[Editorial] A personal essay on chasing your dreams, no matter your age

Bucket list item 1402: Name on IMDb – check!

Once upon a time in the 1980’s, a little girl sat with her dad listening to him tell her stories. Tales of a phantom coach and horses that plummeted into a bottomless pit once a year. Memories of her great-grandmother being visited by the ghosts of pigs she’d slaughtered on the farm. Stories of watching Hammer Horror films at the cinema and seeing people faint. They watched family friendly gateway horror together like Ghostbusters, Gremlins, Jaws. Classics like Carry on Screaming and The Devil Rides Out. And on occasion when her mum wasn’t there, even the odd staple of 80s brilliance such as A Nightmare on Elm Street. Her dad wasn’t a big reader, but he did own a magical compendium of stories. This Marks & Spencer’s trilogy contained Salem’s Lot, Rosemary’s Baby and The Omen in one magnificent volume. It became more magical when sadly her parents divorced when she was 9. Reading that book, especially the King entry, felt like she was still sat with her dad, telling her stories.

Of course, that little girl growing up on the Somerset/Dorset borders, surrounded by tales of King Arthur and the mystical pull of Glastonbury was me. Would have been a bit weird if it wasn’t, right?

That early exposure to horror paved the way to a plethora of films and books during my early teens, a couple of which left me with lifelong phobias. I’m talking Ghostwatch and Clown House. And that fear of clowns is important. The 90’s was filled with goodies. Whether it was the fun of Buffy or the brilliance of The X-Files, my love of genre remained strong. I continued to work my way through King books although not as voraciously as studies, life and eventually work took over. Vampires and werewolves were replaced with Police training manuals and baby-name books for a while there.

Fast forward many, many years. Still an avid horror fan, still prefer violence and gore to ghosts and ghouls. Still scared of clowns. Very scared of clowns.

No longer a young whipper snapper, the girl from the 80’s is now a full-time writer. Okay to clarify, now a published writer. I’ve always written stuff. As a teen my English teachers recognised my love for literature but also expressed mild concern that the epic poem I wrote in Year 9 was technically perfect yet the content - a woman being stalked and ultimately murdered – may not have been age appropriate. Well, I did, as planned, join the police after university so they shouldn’t have been that worried.

So anyway, now I enjoy making up shit and pushing boundaries, even being nominated for a couple of Splatterpunk Awards along the way. I find as well as reading again, I’m watching a lot more films. They’re great for a quick burst of inspiration and I find myself really enjoying going back and re-watching old favourites. One such beloved DVD is fast approaching its 20th anniversary. Of course, I’m referring to Dog Soldiers and to cut a long story short, after writing a feature about the film for Fangoria, Neil Marshall asked me to write the ‘making of…’ book, which we ended up calling Sausages. Now if you’re like me, once you are a little bit obsessed with something, you love really digging into it. You want to know absolutely everything. No juicy titbit is too small. I embraced every interview and behind the scenes secrets. One of my favourite things was discovering all the homages and nods to certain films, directors, tropes and techniques Neil used, either overtly or as an obscure reference here or there.  I also thoroughly enjoyed learning about was how it was all made. Having never stepped foot on a film set, I found it absolutely fascinating and thankfully people like Neil, Sam McCurdy (DoP), Simon Bowles (Production manager) and Keith Bell (producer) were only too happy to talk about the practical side of things from camera angles and set design to home-made rigs and all-hands on deck pick-ups. I started studying and understanding what all this meant, and something happened. I was not only interested, but I also wanted to know more about it. Hell, I wanted to do it! 

But how do you do it? I could record myself chatting shit for YouTube. I’d used a camcorder to capture holidays and special moments over the years but make a film? That had to be a Pipe dream…

Then two very important things happened. I’d been listening to a wonderful podcast called The Movie Crypt for some time and I recalled something Adam Green had said. To paraphrase, it was basically if you wait around for someone to notice you or ask you to do something, it’ll never happen. So, if you really want it, you have to do it yourself. YOU have to make it happen. 

Those words gave me the motivation to put myself forward as a potential segment writer for a found footage anthology I had seen posted on Twitter. Sam Mason Bell of Trash Arts Films was looking for writers for a collaborative project and hey, I was a writer. Albeit my experience was mainly in prose, but I was by then also writing weekly scripted stories for Something Scary and I loved a challenge. After a few initial emails back and forth, I heard a little voice say – ask to help on the actual film. Of course, the accompanying self-doubt piped up but what could I actually do? I still had zero experience, only second-hand knowledge. Directing is the big one, what the majority of filmmakers work towards. I knew that was my ultimate goal. But I couldn’t throw my name into that particular hat…yet. So, I asked Sam if I could be a producer.

I’m proud to say that this particular project is now nicely in pre-production as Sam and I work on things like budgets and funding applications and all the admin and logistical type things that go into making a film possible before you ever step near a camera. It’s not all Hollywood glamour and on-set shenanigans. 

And that was and still is exciting and a vital learning experience but…

I still wanted to make something of my own too.

One day I was listening to another episode of The Movie Crypt. Adam and Joe were chatting to a guy I’d been hearing nothing but good things about and was interested to learn more. You know where sometimes you meet someone or in this case listen to someone talk and everything they say resonates with you? How they can be the polar opposite of you in so many ways, yet they fill your heart with hope and put a fire in your belly?

After that episode, I knew immediately I was going to make something myself, I was going to direct something I’d written, and I was going to do it sooner rather than later. That interview was with Damien Leone, creator of the Terrifier franchise and Art the Clown. An incredibly talented man from Staten Island who had taught himself how to do amazing SFX makeup, practical effects and how to make films. Films at this point I must add, I’d been too scared to watch. Remember I said earlier I was very afraid of clowns? But I defy anyone to listen to Damien speak and not feel like they could take on the world after. His passion, determination, knowledge and collaborative approach to indie low budget genre filmmaking is incredibly inspirational. 

I started listening to and reading other interviews with him, all the time still not having seen Terrifier. Even the thumbnail of Art the Clown gave me goosebumps. It hurt because I love gore but fuck that clown. Then I found out Damien would be attending a convention I was also at with Neil Marshall and the guys from Dog Soldiers. Could this be serendipity? 

I kept wondering about it. IF I was brave enough to walk up to him and say Hi, I would love to be able to tell him how he had been a massive influence on me and my first film. But I still needed that first film. That was also around the time Sam offered his services as a DoP if I had something I wanted to make. He knew I wanted to direct, and he was willing to help me make that dream a reality. I knew I would need to start with a short, Something I’d written so I already knew the plot and characters. All of a sudden, HER was born. A script adapted from a story I’d scribbled down a couple of years before that had an interesting duel POV but was single location and pretty much effect free. Two characters, basic set, minimal, inexpensive props. I asked a couple of actors who regularly work with Sam, Bella Rich and Chris Mills, to read the script and see if they liked it enough to play Her and Him. Thankfully they both loved it. Things were looking good! 

Shooting was scheduled for January and suddenly I had something concrete to tell Damien about IF I got the chance and didn’t just poof into a pile of fangirl dust when I saw him. 

Well, I did manage to speak with him a few times over that weekend, albeit it each time very briefly but I tell him how inspirational he was and how he had given me a push without ever knowing it, all without ever having seen his work. Of course, I was honest about that too and after also meeting David Howard Thornton I went home and devoured Terrifier, Terrifier 2 and All Hallows’ Eve. I’m still afraid of clowns but now I can’t get enough of Art. Creepy fucker.

Damien and his films have become an unprecedented success, a viewing pleasure for genre fans and a real boost for indie productions in general. Damien is the little filmmaker who could and who does. He never gave up on his dream. Both Terrifier/2 took years to make, overcoming obstacles whilst never deterring from the love of doing it. In some ways Damien is lucky. He has the passion, enthusiasm and drive to make these films, but he is also incredibly talented and multi-faceted. But in other ways luck had nothing to do with it. He has incredible tenacity, spent hours watching video tapes of Tom Savini doing makeup, years of studying films and the stamp a director leaves on their work.

Whilst I in no way, shape or form would ever dream of comparing myself to this New Yorker named after The Omen, he has undoubtedly stoked my creative embers and allowed them to ignite. Shooting a ten-minute, £500 short in my living room cannot compare to The 9th Circle or the first short version of Terrifier with Mike Giannelli playing Art. And nor should it. I don’t have Damien’s years of practicing FX makeup or studying shot lists. I don’t have his in-depth knowledge of gags or camera angles. But there are some things we share that unites us. We are both lifelong fans introduced to horror at a young age by a parent. We are both passionate and enthusiastic, we both talk about horror and films with a light in our eyes. And we both love violent, gory, bloody shit. 

So, thank you, guys. 

Thank you to Neil Marshall who, by asking me to write a book about his film, opened my eyes to what goes into making a film at more than just a DVD extra level and made me consider even the possibility of doing it myself. 

Thank you to Sam, along with Bella and Chris, for welcoming me to the Trash Arts Films family and allowing my hopes of working in film to become a reality. I am learning all the time because of your patience and support. 

And thank you to Damien Leone, for not only showcasing what can be done, but proving how passion and drive can elevate something. For sharing his talents with the world and allowing us insight into how he achieved it. For unknowingly, reaching someone on the other side of the pond, someone questioning whether they had their head in the clouds and whether anyone would ever take the chance on mum in her 40s. 

But here I am, making films. 

Adam Green said not to wait around. 

So, with a lot of help, I am making it happen.

And, at least in part the confidence and drive to do so is thanks to the brilliant mind behind the scariest antagonist of all time when you’re afraid of clowns.

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