[Editorial] Women On Fire: Fierce Females Of The Classic TV Series Tales Of The Unexpected

Tales of the Unexpected first sashayed onto our television screens back in 1979. Originally based on a selection of short stories penned by the author Roald Dahl, the series soon stretched out beyond this to include a wide range of writers over a total of nine series.

With running times at 20-30 minutes, these bitesize slices of macabre centred around themes of murder, mystery and suspense, with fast moving plots that built towards unpredictable and wonderfully far-fetched twists. Tales is widely known and loved for its infamous credit titles which display the silhouette of a woman dancing to that music whilst surrounded by flames. You can try watching a few episodes without being able to mimic the hip swaying motions if you like, but I’m here to tell you, you can’t - it’s impossible! 

I’ve been a huge fan of the series for many years now and have spent countless wintery nights devouring several episodes from the 19-disc box set. Of course, one of the main pulls of Tales is the fun factor; it's garishly over the top and in some cases incredibly unsettling whilst maintaining a rather playful manner. However, one of the most appealing parts of the experience is watching the freedom given to many of its female characters who are (in no particular order) emboldened to be murderous, vengeful and flamboyant. To put it simply, the women of Tales own the screen and are often able to step out away from roles of servitude (mother, daughter, mistress) in order to fully embrace their darker side! Join me as I take a look at five not to be missed episodes with females at their centre who amongst other things, cook their murder weapons and ensnare young men into their boarding houses! 

The Landlady - Landlady (Siobhan McKenna)

In his introduction to the tale, Roald Dahl calls this ‘funny’ but warns that we may also be ‘a bit disturbed’ by what we are about to see.  A fresh-faced Billy Weaver (Leonard Preston) travels to London on business and checks into a humble yet eerily quiet bed and breakfast. As he makes the journey by train, we see elsewhere a prim looking Landlady tucking a hot water bottle into a guest bed whilst smiling and singing merrily. ‘He will be here soon’ she tells her parrot, ‘I can feel it’. 

When Billy arrives, the Landlady watches him through the peephole in her door, where the man is subject to being observed by a female in a subversion of the male gaze. From the moment he steps over the threshold, the Landlady is firmly in control while Billy can only flap about nervously. At just £4 for the stay, which includes ‘an egg for breakfast’, who indeed could turn down such a sparkling offer? When she throws her arms open and declares ‘welcome home’ this is the first in a string of strange feelings that are cast. Amenable and hospitable, the Landlady peppers her conversation with peculiar remarks that set both us and the chipper Billy on a tentative edge. In one notable moment she remarks (rather too enthusiastically) upon how his ham and watercress sandwiches (made by his mother) are ‘good for the blood!’ 

Writing a letter home to his parents, Billy describes his new host as ‘a bit crazy’ and ‘sort of everyone’s favourite Aunt’ and thus the veil of suspicion remains unlifted. Signing the registry book, Billy recognises the names of two prior guests Mr Temple and Mr Mulholland and tries unsuccessfully to recollect why these names are so familiar. As the motherly seeming Landlady pours him some tea, he continues to wonder why these names not only stir up a memory but are inexplicably connected in his mind. The polite chatter over tea soon falls to a deadly silence when the chatty Landlady describes the skin of Mr Temple: ‘he hadn't a blemish on his body’ and, in the first killer twist - we learn that the parrot she has been discoursing with is not actually alive! Unable to stand, Billy falls onto the sofa in a sleepy daze before he is promptly whisked to his room for ‘bedtime’ by a poised and collected Landlady. But bedtime it turns out, is far from a cosy affair and Billy becomes a guest without a checkout date! 

Lamb to the Slaughter - Mary Marney (Susan George)

Mary Marney (Susan George) returns home one evening adorned with tea-time goodies of broccoli and cheesecake to find her husband Patrick (Michael Byrne), a Police Detective, lying lifeless on the living room floor. She telephones for help from Patrick’s colleagues at the Police station and in blasts Brian Blessed. Blessed plays Detective Sergeant Jack Nolan who manages to whisper at 1000 decibels as Mary quivers in shock at the kitchen table. Recounting the events of the night to the visiting team of investigators, she tells of how her husband arrived home from work unusually early. In a flashback we learn that Mary is in fact pregnant and she tells a moody Patrick that their baby kicked today whilst tending to him lovingly and pouring him a drink. As she tries to make conversation however, she receives little back by way of response. Rather than going out for dinner as arranged because Patrick ‘cannot face’ the idea, she offers to cook him something from her freezer, a new appliance that he scoffs at but that Mary describes as ‘marvellous’. 

Back in the present, only the fingerprints of husband and wife can be found and an outraged Brian Blessed makes an incredible breakthrough in the investigation - Patrick took his last drink neat! Mary revisits the events of the night in her head which show her being gentle and attentive while her husband grows impatient before dropping the news that he is leaving her because: ‘it’s only fair’. This is, ‘only one of those things’ he screams at her as her eyes widen. As the news sinks in, Patrick manages to make an offering to support Mary and the baby sound like a hardship for him and a blessing that she ought to be grateful for. To add insult to injury he warns her off ‘making a fuss’ due to the negative connotations this would have for his job and ultimately on his ability to financially provide. She responds with a quiet ‘well’ and seems to be in a post-traumatic trance as she begins to make preparations for supper. Heading to her beloved freezer, she selects a joint of meat and visits the corner shop for the aforementioned broccoli and a knockout cheesecake.  

Now in the kitchen once again with Detective Nolan post Patricks’ death, Mary peels the potatoes to accompany the lamb which is roasting in the oven.  The detectives discuss the possibility of ‘a woman’ having killed Patrick who we find, had a reputation for playing the field but this is quickly dismissed as impossible. The body is removed from the house and Detective Nolan consoles a wailing Mary. After trying to persuade her to lie down he reassures her ‘when we find the weapon, it’s the old story, we’ve got the man’. Still visibly in shock, Mary remembers the lamb and insists in serving the meal to a hungry team of Policemen. As they devour the lamb under the assumption of doing a good deed for the grieving wife, Mary laughs softly to herself whilst knitting in the quiet of the living room. Perhaps they didn’t get the right man after all?

The Luncheon - Susan Mandeville (Gaye Hunnicutt)

Tony Medway (Bosco Hogan) has written his first novel Angels and Ministers of Grace and although the reviews are good the money isn’t coming in and he and his heavily pregnant wife find themselves in a financial struggle. Just as they are about to give up the telephone rings fortuitously - it is Susan Mandeville (who happens to be married to a film producer) calling! She tells a hopeful Tony that she enjoyed his book very much and wondered if he would like to take her to lunch. Of course, she remarks - she couldn’t possibly pay because she knows ‘how gallant you men are about that sort of thing’. A date and time is promptly set for a luncheon at Blundells for 13:15 and Tony cashes a cheque for £37 which leaves the Medway joint account balance at a measly 63p! 

Cue funky piano music with a smattering of saxophone as we arrive at the most bizarre restaurant in history that I only wish existed in the real world. Everyone (and I mean everyone) is smiling from ear to ear as the scent of eighties affluence fills the air. Tony manages to get a sneaky preview of the menu before Susan arrives and we find that it’s a jaw dropping £1.75 for the grapefruit salad! That thirty seven pounds is not going to go far here. Susan makes her entrance all puffed hair and pearls and is greeted by a flurry of attentive waiters as a sweet trolley of pastel coloured mice try to hog the limelight before exiting stage left. Susan settles in after receiving a pink rose from the waiter and ordering a champagne cocktail. She looks at the aspiring writer with bright and friendly eyes announcing that: ‘I’m going to call you Tony!’

 The pair peruse the menus and things take a turn towards the positive when Susan remarks she has started a new diet and opts for the Chef’s salad at a reasonable £3.00. Tony fishes about for feedback on his novel with coy awkwardness but Susan remains cryptic with her answers.  However, Tony doesn’t bank on Susan also ordering a starter which consists of two lamb cutlets and a small salad-at five pounds each those lamb cutlets are going to put a fair dent in that cheque! They discuss old movies and begin to build up a rapport. Knowing only too well that good meal deserves a good glass of wine with it, Susan orders a bottle much to Tony’s disdain. 

Susan flirts with him teasingly and when she asks if his wife minded him meeting her he tells her: ‘no of course not, she understands business lunches’ the lunch guest frowns somewhat, appearing puzzled. As Tony tries to steer the conversation towards possible future prospects this is met with nothing but generic observations from Susan that tell him nothing. An acquaintance of Susan approaches the table and makes a remark about how she: ‘is still collecting young writers’ which gives Tony pause for thought. The cutlets arrive and Susan responds heartily to the waiters’ suggestion of some red wine to accompany them, however Tony manages to concede a victory here by asserting himself ensuring that nothing more than a small carafe of house red is ordered. 

Susan tucks into a brightly coloured desert as Tony requests the bill which comes in at an eye watering £37.18!  However, the writer manages to pluck up some courage and asks if his book would make a good film. An attempt to rescue Tony from paying the bill (via a phone call from his wife) is unsuccessful. As the money is taken away Susan declares that she has one final question for Tony, did he base one of his characters on her (Producer) ex-husband? Crestfallen, the writer can only repeat ‘ex-husband?’ as she reveals that ‘Mark and I have been divorced for over two years’. Furthermore, she warns him that Mark may take offence to such caricatures and may indeed make an attempt to sue him. In the episode’s final moment, Susan’s fiancée Peter appears who is sadly not in the film or publishing business. Someone has managed to get something out of this luncheon, but it is not Tony! 

A Glowing Future - Betsy (Joanna Pettet)

In this episode, written by the best-selling psychological thriller author Ruth Rendell, Jack (John Bett), is a middle aged man returning to the home he had previously been sharing with his ex girlfriend Betsy to collect his belongings. Although he might think it, Jack is far from a catch as we discover he had left Betsy for a year and come back to use her for sex, only to abandon her again for another woman. Betsy has been shoved aside for Jack’s ‘little bit of blonde fluff’ (as she calls her), Patricia, an Australian woman to whom he is leaving to begin a new life with. 

Betsy is heartbroken and before throwing a statue across the room in anger she declares ‘I could’ve killed you!’ Breaking down in tears, she finds no words or displays of comfort from her ex who shouts wildly at her to ‘shut up!’ After he leaves the room briefly, Betsy finds a luggage card bearing Patricia’s name and address. Wryly, she sets about writing an unseen correspondence which she places inside an ornamental jar. The unfaithful and unfeeling Jack later tells her he: ‘doesn’t need any more of that scorned woman routine’. How dare she express outrage at his infidelity! 

Betsy gives Jack plenty of opportunity to express remorse and when he leaves to get dinner it's heart-breaking to watch her ask tentatively if he plans to come back later that night to sleep. This is shortly followed by a charming and weird rendition of As Time Goes By on the piano, here’s looking at you kid! Later that night, Betsey pays Jack a visit as he snoozes on the couch in a last ditch attempt to seduce him, only to be thrown out of her own living room in disgrace and shame. 

Stripped of all antiques and art, the house now looks completely bare but for a small ornamental jar which Jack so generously offers to leave to Betsy as a memento. We hear from Betsy that she has little left in the bank thanks to Jack spending her money as though she were ‘an heiress’ which is another nail in the coffin for the smug, cheating and self -obsessed man standing before her. 

Betsy grows stronger in these final moments and reminds Jack to make sure that he tells Patricia all about her as she hands him back the vase. Jack happens upon Betsy’s note of warning to Patricia that has been contained within the jar which he mocks with relish. As she picks up another antique which he describes as reminding him of her because it was ‘a nice idea that went wrong, distorted and twisted’ we are given a close up of Betsy’s determined eyes. She claims back her power with an incredible ferocity in addition to all the art and antiques which she duly unpacks. A vision in red, she answers the door the next morning and instructs the removal company towards a single trunk labelled ‘Fragile Handle With Care’. It might take a while to get to her but darling Patricia is in for one hell of a surprise! 

Death In The Morning - Karen Masterson (Cherie Lunghi)

Karen arrives for the first time at her elegant manor home following a recent marriage to wealthy landowner, Ian Masterson. Waiting at the doorway is the housekeeper Mrs Pardoe (Hilary Mason, of Don’t Look Now) who is an obvious nod to the unforgettable Mrs Danvers of Daphne du Maurier’s Rebecca, although nowhere near as terrifying! Ian is busy with landowner duties which sadly takes him away from Karen for much of the time, leaving Mrs Pardoe and the new Mrs Masterson with plenty of time to get fully acquainted.

Over drinks in the drawing room, Karen and Ian entertain guests amongst whom is keen horse-rider Linda (Carol Drinkwater), who Ian shares more than a knowing glance with Ian and her aloof husband, Duncan. During a brisk walk of the grounds, Karen unexpectedly encounters Paul, Ian’s son, a lofty and mysterious character. In the privacy of their bedroom, Karen confides to her husband that she feels like an outsider which prompts a suggestion that she begins horse riding lessons with Linda. 

Shortly after the horse-riding session, Karen soon begins to experience a weakness and is committed to bed for rest. As she tucks Karen into bed, Mrs Parlow makes some offhand comments about Linda’s husband, Duncan. Fully recuperated a few days later, Karen takes a drive down the surrounding country roads and has a near collision from which she is rescued by Duncan where she recalls seeing a smiling man riding a horse and cart.

 Suspecting that there is another presence in the house, Karen enquires about the death of Ian’s first wife and finds there are striking similarities between this and her recent road accident. At afternoon coffee with Linda, Karen learns that Paul keeps books of spells and black magic and she confides in her friend, telling her everything. The pair trudge through the well stocked library in search of clues but are unable to find anything. 

Rushing to Linda’s house late one evening shortly after, Karen finds Duncan getting drunk alone before speaking ill of his wife which Karen will not hear of, declaring her ‘the only friend I have’. Doing a little more research alone however, Karen finds some advice about reversing spells that she decides to follow. The next morning, a member of the household rushes into the drawing room and delivers news to Karen of a fatal accident that she did not anticipate. She is pleased to find though, that the spell seems to have worked its magic…but on whom…?

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